Dating Etiquette and other bullshit myths

So as you can probably gather from the title of this post, I don't plan to be particularly coy on the matter at hand, and rightly so, because beating around the bush doesn't help anybody-not even the bush.
You might not be aware of this, because I don't think I've mentioned it in previous posts, but I'm actually an actor. I didn't throw that statement in randomly, all will be made clear shortly.

I am currently part of the cast of a series called "Persona" a drama that is exclusively for iPhone and Android users, and the series is based on the lives of different people who have one thing in common- a dating website they've all signed up to, known as I heart U.co.uk, or something like that.
Now I'm not a great follower of method acting, but I believed that in order to have a better understanding of how these dating sites work, that it would be a good idea to join one.
I hope you'll see that this was a feasible reason to join a dating site, because my opinion of dating sites before wasn't that great. I basically thought dating sites were for weirdos who couldn't pull anyone in real life.
Obviously upon joining the site, I realised that its pretty much normal, everyday people who probably wouldn't have the chance to meet the kind of person they'd like due to their working pattern or just the restraints of their lifestyles or social circle. It was only after joining the site that I realised just how big this whole online dating thing is, and it truly amazed me to discover through friends, just how many people had met and settled down together, after meeting on a dating site.

Anyway, so I joined the site and instantly messages were flying in (had my legs out in the photos I put up, you see) and it was a nice ego boost to see just how many men in the UK, especially London-wanted to meet me.
It was obvious that a few of these guys were busy copying and pasting the same message to every girl, but there were a couple who were actually really interesting to talk to. You're probably wondering where I'm heading with this story and I guess I'm working on linking my two points as seamlessly as possible. It would appear that through online dating, there is now a new etiquette to the way that people interact and get together, and it would seem like the whole online dating taboo has pretty much been broken. In other words, it seems to me like the acceptance of the different ways in which people can find a partner, are being explored and embraced by the masses.

cool...

So why the hell is it that we can't change other dating rules??
Why is it that certain rules of dating seem almost as set in stone as the ten commandments??
Why does the man have to be in control of the dating line dance??
I've been on a few dates recently and I've never been the type to be shy about talking about things that are going on in my life (you'll know this if you follow me on twitter) so I'd like to draw on a few things that I've noticed, and discussed with friends.
I get the strong feeling that there are women feeling really dejected out there because of rules that they're too scared to break.
A guy I was talking to told me about a woman who sent him a message on a dating site saying "I noticed that you looked at my page, but you didn't send me a message. What is it about me that put you off sending me a message?"
Initially, I agreed with the guy that its so weird and stalkerish almost, that she did that, but then I thought about it. I mean I REALLY thought about it, and I decided that I admire her balls.
I go to numerous auditions and end up not getting quite a few of them, and its an industry norm to ask for feedback from the casting director as to how they felt your audition went.
I never ask for feedback unless its offered, why? because I'm scared. I'm scared that they might say something that would bruise my ego. I'm a coward, so sue me.
Now this ballsy lady, she isn't a coward, because she is prepared to read whatever this random guy whom she has never met, has to say to her, because she wants to know so maybe she might be able to work on that aspect, if she feels its appropriate.
I don't think the guy responded to her message.

Shame...

A woman stands up for herself, and she's seen as a weirdo.
A lot of aspects of dating are like this. Women don't make the first move, women shouldn't ask questions about where the relationship is heading because it comes across as too needy, women shouldn't assume a guy is willing to commit-even if he has spent every waking hour with her, women shouldn't put all their eggs into one basket.

what the hell??
How many things are women not allowed to do, and have you noticed how some of this advice is conflicting?

"don't put all your eggs into one basket" but "don't date more than one guy, because then you're a slut and nobody respects a slut"
In the patriarchal society we live in, it seems that women are force fed do's and don'ts about crap that leaves them confused and unhappy.
I think women should take charge of themselves. I don't mean in the Rihanna way, where you wear uncomfortable heels, walk around half naked, wear garish false lashes, and grab your crotch claiming that you're a bad bitch.
Women are not bitches.
I mean take charge in the sense of taking your love life into your own hands and refusing to be told how things should be done in a society that's evidently doing it all wrong.
Take for instance the "don't ask where the relationship is going too early on" now, fair enough, it might be a bit weird to go demanding where a relationship is headed after three hours of meeting a guy, but it does get to a point where you may have been seeing a guy for a while and spending quite a lot of time together, but there aren't exactly any conversations taking place about how you both view each other.
I'm not saying that relationships need to be labelled,but I am saying that both parties need to be clear on what the hell is going on.
I've seen it happen numerous times, where friends of mine have been with a guy for a number of months, staying over, going to events together, generally enjoying each other's company and then BLAM!! they see the guy at Nando's with another girl.
so they're upset, and then made to feel even worse by being told "we didn't say we were actually 'together'" eeek!!
I would say that a lot of guys would comfortably go along with not mentioning where a relationship is headed because the lack of discussion about it, acts as their get out clause if "something better comes along"
Don't be a time-filler...I read the novel "Eat Pray Love" a while back and I remember reading a particular part that said "be the kind of guy you want to date" or something like that...If it didn't say that then, I'm saying it.
Basically like attracts like...if you know what you want in a guy, then consciously make sure that your lifestyle reflects these qualities, because I'm sorry to say there are women out there who want a "high tea at the Ritz" kinda guy, when they're living "extra value meal" lifestyles.
Don't be afraid to ask a guy after a sufficient amount of time where a relationship is headed, because if he is the kind of guy that doesn't want to answer the question, he might not be the kind of guy you want. Don't be scared of being alone.
Society says you should let a man take charge and make you feel beautiful and loved. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to wait for someone to make me feel loved, when I could very well get a head start by loving myself. Media shoves images in our faces everyday, indicating that we're not alright as we are, that we should lose weight, wear this, and buy that to love ourselves. I say its bullshit. Love yourself anyway, buying all those things won't change the person you are inside, and its the person inside that you need to live with for the rest of your life.


I've rambled on for quite a bit, and maybe at some point, I will expand on a few more points, all I will say on a closing note is that we women need to grow some balls.

XxCocoaxX

"The dog it was that died"

Late last night, I finished reading "The Painted Veil" by W. Somerset Maugham.
The novel was filled with so many beautiful statements that I would love to quote, however I will only focus on one quote from the book.
I can't put my finger on what caught my heart when I read this particular line, but I imagine, it evoked many thoughts of which I would like to share.
Just before I carry on, I would like to point out that you need not have read the novel in order to understand this blog, so do not panic!
Just to give you the general idea of the plot; the novel focuses on a married couple, Walter and Kitty, who move to Hong Kong due to the nature of Walter's work as a bacteriologist. Kitty has never loved Walter, but she was desperate to get married before her sister. so she accepted his proposal, being well aware that he bored her and that she did not find him attractive in the slightest. Walter loved Kitty though, so much so that he turned a blind eye to the fact that she didn't love him and he was content with being able to love her.
Everything changes when Walter discovers that Kitty has been having an affair and he exacts a very weird revenge.
In order to spite Kitty, Walter has her move with him to an area 600 miles away from Hong Kong, an area suffering from a terrible cholera outbreak.

During their stay in Mei-Tan-Fu, Kitty discovers just how worthless her life used to be, and how shallow she once was. Kitty also begins to understand love and gains an insight into just how deeply she would have hurt Walter due to her infidelity.
Kitty is aware that the initial reason for Walter insisting that she follow him to such a dangerous area, is because he hoped she might die from cholera, however over time it is clear that he no longer wishes her any harm, but greatly despises himself for loving someone whom he very well knew-could never love him.

Walter dies from cholera, but with his last breath, he utters a quote to Kitty as she begs him to forgive her.
Walter says "The dog it was that died." Just as the character Kitty was confused by this statement, so was I. I thought to myself, what a cryptic way to say goodbye?!
Kitty later asks another character known as Waddington, the meaning of Walter's final words, and she is told that it is the final line from Goldsmith's Elegy.
Kitty's curiosity of Walter's final words seemed to end at that point, but mine didn't.
I wanted to understand what Walter was trying to communicate in his final moment, so I decided to look up Oliver Goldsmith's "Elegy on the death of a mad dog."

Good people all, of every sort,
Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wondrous short,
It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man,
Of whom the world might say
That still a godly race he ran,
Whene'er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound,
And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighbouring streets
The wondering neighbours ran,
And swore the dog had lost his wits,
To bite so good a man.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad
To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied:
The man recovered of the bite,
The dog it was that died.
-- Oliver Goldsmith

Upon reading this poem, my heart broke many times for Walter, yet, I understood the significance of the last line also being his last line in the novel.
An outsider would have been unaware of the way in which Kitty had hurt Walter, because the knowledge of the betrayal had been kept between themselves and the man with whom she had been unfaithful.
People may have thought her a good wife for following Walter to such a dangerous region, yet they knew not of the underlying reason as to why she had gone.
Walter saw Kitty as the good man in the poem and himself as the mad dog, and just as we know nothing of the reason the good man and the mad dog fall out, outsiders would have known nothing of Walter's reasons for insisting that Kitty follow him to Mei-Tan-Fu.
There was a certainty in Kitty's view that she would surely die from being amidst the cholera epidemic, but lo and behold, it was the "mad dog" Walter who died instead.

I didn't intend to write a literature essay, I just wanted to give sufficient insight into my reasoning for making the next statement:
In all things, no matter how difficult, learn to forgive. Not for the sake of the wrongdoer, but for your own sake.I say this because just like Kitty, I don't believe that Walter died from cholera, I believe that he died of a broken heart and the soul devouring hatred he bore for himself for having loved and received no love in return.
I always remember the "Lord's prayer" in which one asks God to "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
If you don't believe in a God, that's fine. You don't need to forgive others in the hopes that God may forgive you for your own sin, but just forgive anyway in order that you might have a lighter heart.
I know forgiving someone who has hurt you greatly is a hard task, but one must remember that to not forgive is to enslave yourself to a negative emotion. In order to be free, you would need to release yourself from the shackles of your negative emotions.

I haven't forgiven a few people for the major wrongs they've done me, however, after reading W.somerset Maugham's wonderfully written book and also Oliver Goldsmith's thought inspiring poem- I have decided that I don't want to be the mad dog. I want to be free and I want the same for anybody reading this.

Lets all agree to forgive, we don't have to find the wrongdoer in order to tell them because they may not care for our forgiveness or even consider that they have done anything wrong. We just need to say it in our hearts and let go of it all.

I hope somehow that this touches somebody somewhere in the world.

x-Cocoa-x