Masks

I haven't written a blogpost in over a year, simply because I felt that I had nothing worthwhile to say.
I won't be self-depreciating and claim that what I have to write today isn't that important either, because it is.
A few days ago, a tweeter who I follow posted a poem that really struck a cord with me and I've been thinking about it ever since.
The poem is entitled 'Masks' by Shel Silverstein.

She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by -
And never knew.

Now, I must admit that before this poem, I had no clue about Shel Silverstein's poetry. Since reading this poem, I have read many more poems by him, but this poem is by far my favourite.
It's a children's poem clearly however I think the message it holds transcends age.
What I gather from the poem is that the two people described, spend their whole lives hiding an important aspect of themselves and end up missing the chance of interacting with another individual who shares this same characteristic.
I think it is interesting that Silverstein chooses blue as the colour of their skin. Why not red, or yellow or pink?
I don't want to resemble my English literature teachers in school who would dissect a poem to the extent that I'd think "Errrm I don't think the poet was thinking to that extent. You, sir need to calm all the way down with your literary analysis." However, with this poem, I get the impression that the colour blue has a significance. Blue, to me defines a pure quality about the characters, as opposed to red which I would have interpreted as a suppressed anger or passion of some sort.
What is also interesting, as you will see from the picture I posted with this entry, is the size of the masks the characters are carrying. Signifying that the facade they adopt is too big for them to bear.

The dilemma of the characters as I mentioned earlier transcends age and I believe that it is a dilemma that resonates with everybody in some way or form.
Think of that annoyingly indecisive prince, Hamlet. Shakespeare explored through Hamlet the idea of things being one way yet seeming to be another.
Hamlet says; "To be or not to be that is the question." It is the question, a major one. To act and be as we truly want, or to adopt a persona that is likely to serve as a means of gaining something from our surroundings.
Society dictates to us subliminally that being different isn't ok. So a lot of people strive to appear like everybody else in order to fit in.
Going back to Silverstein's poem, being anything other than our true selves will always be a burden too heavy to bear and within the fallacy of seeming to be, we run the risk of relinquishing whatever chance there may be of meeting people similar to us.

Ok. So now I'm about to veer off with this theme. I'd like to talk about dating.
As I've written already, Silverstein's theme applies to so many different aspects of life but simply because of being a single female and the characters in the poem being male and female, I am inspired to write about my experience of being myself on the dating scene.
I've been on numerous dates where i've ended up feeling rather frustrated at the end of it. There was a feeling I couldn't shake and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Recently I discovered the writer, bell hooks, and through her wisdom I was able to see my frustrations articulated to me and suddenly things started to make sense.
I was conflicted. I kept meeting men who seemed to find my quirky nature interesting but ultimately, they weren't happy that I wasn't willing to fit into certain societal norms. I'm not now, nor will I ever be a damsel in distress. I spent many years being told by fairytales, films, and love songs that I needed a knight in shining armour to save me. I don't need to be save. "I can do bad all by myself."
Seriously though, the white guys I dated wanted to me be like the black females they may have encountered or seen on tv. They expected me to be flattered when they said "I love black women" or "I've never tried a black woman before" or "you're pretty for a black girl." They were waiting for me to fulfil a stereotype that I didn't believe in. Probably expected me to walk into our agreed dating venue popping my booty, singing like Beyonce or shouting like an angry black woman.
I had a guy say to me recently, as I told him my aspirations of working to improve the collective self-esteem of black females that I was "taking this all a bit too seriously."
In the same vein I've been on numerous dates with black men who, at different points in the evening never fail to point out that I "don't speak like a black girl" or more recently that I "speak like I eat a cereal called Shakespeare's sonnets" or let's not forget "you're one of those black girls that thinks you're too smart for a black guy."
Again, it was like I was being expected to fit a stereotype that was far removed from my actual self.
What my extensive reading has shown me is that I am a not meant to fit nicely into a box of another person's perceptions. And that it is better to be single and be myself than to be in a relationship and suppress the real me.

Silverstein's poem struck a cord with me because it celebrates being different and it serves as a warning as to what could happen if you're anything but yourself. You could spend your whole life feeling deep down that you don't quite fit in.
To build healthy self-esteem, an important factor is integrity. Knowing you're not being true to yourself would ultimately lead to a low self-esteem.
I guess I've figured through dating that I can't be anyone else's perception of me. The mask wouldn't hold up for very long and it would be very lonely behind the mask.
I can't dumb myself down to fit a booty popping stereotype, nor can I talk in a manner that is alien to me in order to find common ground with someone else.
I am embracing my "blue skin" and I hope whoever may be reading this, is able to embrace theirs too.

xKx

Dating Etiquette and other bullshit myths

So as you can probably gather from the title of this post, I don't plan to be particularly coy on the matter at hand, and rightly so, because beating around the bush doesn't help anybody-not even the bush.
You might not be aware of this, because I don't think I've mentioned it in previous posts, but I'm actually an actor. I didn't throw that statement in randomly, all will be made clear shortly.

I am currently part of the cast of a series called "Persona" a drama that is exclusively for iPhone and Android users, and the series is based on the lives of different people who have one thing in common- a dating website they've all signed up to, known as I heart U.co.uk, or something like that.
Now I'm not a great follower of method acting, but I believed that in order to have a better understanding of how these dating sites work, that it would be a good idea to join one.
I hope you'll see that this was a feasible reason to join a dating site, because my opinion of dating sites before wasn't that great. I basically thought dating sites were for weirdos who couldn't pull anyone in real life.
Obviously upon joining the site, I realised that its pretty much normal, everyday people who probably wouldn't have the chance to meet the kind of person they'd like due to their working pattern or just the restraints of their lifestyles or social circle. It was only after joining the site that I realised just how big this whole online dating thing is, and it truly amazed me to discover through friends, just how many people had met and settled down together, after meeting on a dating site.

Anyway, so I joined the site and instantly messages were flying in (had my legs out in the photos I put up, you see) and it was a nice ego boost to see just how many men in the UK, especially London-wanted to meet me.
It was obvious that a few of these guys were busy copying and pasting the same message to every girl, but there were a couple who were actually really interesting to talk to. You're probably wondering where I'm heading with this story and I guess I'm working on linking my two points as seamlessly as possible. It would appear that through online dating, there is now a new etiquette to the way that people interact and get together, and it would seem like the whole online dating taboo has pretty much been broken. In other words, it seems to me like the acceptance of the different ways in which people can find a partner, are being explored and embraced by the masses.

cool...

So why the hell is it that we can't change other dating rules??
Why is it that certain rules of dating seem almost as set in stone as the ten commandments??
Why does the man have to be in control of the dating line dance??
I've been on a few dates recently and I've never been the type to be shy about talking about things that are going on in my life (you'll know this if you follow me on twitter) so I'd like to draw on a few things that I've noticed, and discussed with friends.
I get the strong feeling that there are women feeling really dejected out there because of rules that they're too scared to break.
A guy I was talking to told me about a woman who sent him a message on a dating site saying "I noticed that you looked at my page, but you didn't send me a message. What is it about me that put you off sending me a message?"
Initially, I agreed with the guy that its so weird and stalkerish almost, that she did that, but then I thought about it. I mean I REALLY thought about it, and I decided that I admire her balls.
I go to numerous auditions and end up not getting quite a few of them, and its an industry norm to ask for feedback from the casting director as to how they felt your audition went.
I never ask for feedback unless its offered, why? because I'm scared. I'm scared that they might say something that would bruise my ego. I'm a coward, so sue me.
Now this ballsy lady, she isn't a coward, because she is prepared to read whatever this random guy whom she has never met, has to say to her, because she wants to know so maybe she might be able to work on that aspect, if she feels its appropriate.
I don't think the guy responded to her message.

Shame...

A woman stands up for herself, and she's seen as a weirdo.
A lot of aspects of dating are like this. Women don't make the first move, women shouldn't ask questions about where the relationship is heading because it comes across as too needy, women shouldn't assume a guy is willing to commit-even if he has spent every waking hour with her, women shouldn't put all their eggs into one basket.

what the hell??
How many things are women not allowed to do, and have you noticed how some of this advice is conflicting?

"don't put all your eggs into one basket" but "don't date more than one guy, because then you're a slut and nobody respects a slut"
In the patriarchal society we live in, it seems that women are force fed do's and don'ts about crap that leaves them confused and unhappy.
I think women should take charge of themselves. I don't mean in the Rihanna way, where you wear uncomfortable heels, walk around half naked, wear garish false lashes, and grab your crotch claiming that you're a bad bitch.
Women are not bitches.
I mean take charge in the sense of taking your love life into your own hands and refusing to be told how things should be done in a society that's evidently doing it all wrong.
Take for instance the "don't ask where the relationship is going too early on" now, fair enough, it might be a bit weird to go demanding where a relationship is headed after three hours of meeting a guy, but it does get to a point where you may have been seeing a guy for a while and spending quite a lot of time together, but there aren't exactly any conversations taking place about how you both view each other.
I'm not saying that relationships need to be labelled,but I am saying that both parties need to be clear on what the hell is going on.
I've seen it happen numerous times, where friends of mine have been with a guy for a number of months, staying over, going to events together, generally enjoying each other's company and then BLAM!! they see the guy at Nando's with another girl.
so they're upset, and then made to feel even worse by being told "we didn't say we were actually 'together'" eeek!!
I would say that a lot of guys would comfortably go along with not mentioning where a relationship is headed because the lack of discussion about it, acts as their get out clause if "something better comes along"
Don't be a time-filler...I read the novel "Eat Pray Love" a while back and I remember reading a particular part that said "be the kind of guy you want to date" or something like that...If it didn't say that then, I'm saying it.
Basically like attracts like...if you know what you want in a guy, then consciously make sure that your lifestyle reflects these qualities, because I'm sorry to say there are women out there who want a "high tea at the Ritz" kinda guy, when they're living "extra value meal" lifestyles.
Don't be afraid to ask a guy after a sufficient amount of time where a relationship is headed, because if he is the kind of guy that doesn't want to answer the question, he might not be the kind of guy you want. Don't be scared of being alone.
Society says you should let a man take charge and make you feel beautiful and loved. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to wait for someone to make me feel loved, when I could very well get a head start by loving myself. Media shoves images in our faces everyday, indicating that we're not alright as we are, that we should lose weight, wear this, and buy that to love ourselves. I say its bullshit. Love yourself anyway, buying all those things won't change the person you are inside, and its the person inside that you need to live with for the rest of your life.


I've rambled on for quite a bit, and maybe at some point, I will expand on a few more points, all I will say on a closing note is that we women need to grow some balls.

XxCocoaxX