It seems that I tend to blog after reading a piece of classic literature, because that is the situation I have found myself in once again.
I guess the reason it happens is because I love classic literary pieces and somehow, I find a way to relate it to modern day situations-most especially-relationships.
As always, you need not to have read the book in order to grasp the idea that I'm going to attempt to put forward.
The End of The Affair is by Graham Greene. It's written in a first person narrative about a man named Maurice Bendrix and his recollections of a four year love affair with a married woman by the name of Sarah Miles.
Maurice intends to write a "story of hate" but what can be observed as his story progresses, is that the story is more about stifled love.
It appears to me that with Maurice loving Sarah in the way that he did, he was almost blind to the fact that there are many different ways to love and that Sarah loved differently to him.
In the four years they were together, Maurice doubted Sarah's affections and was constantly jealous. I guess that's what you get for getting involved with a married woman.
Anyway
Sarah ended the four year relationship suddenly, and talked about the love of God as a way to describe how she would always love Maurice, even though she felt they could no longer be together.
"you needn't be so scared. Love doesn't end just because we don't see each other...my dear, people go on loving God, don't they, all their lives without seeing him?"
The affair ends after this conversation, with Maurice being convinced that Sarah had met some other man to cheat on her husband with instead.
Stay with me...my point will soon be made clear
Maurice is driven by his jealousy-and lack of closure to a certain degree-to hire a detective in order to find out who exactly Sarah had begun spending her time with instead. In the process, the detective manages to get a hold of Sarah's diary.
It is only when Maurice reads Sarah's diary that he realises that she never stopped loving him, and it was due to her search for a relationship with God-that she decided it was best to stop seeing him and honour her marriage.
Now that you get the gist...
I started to wonder, why did Maurice have to see the diary before he could believe that Sarah had loved him?!
Why were her words and actions never enough?! After all she did say to him that she loved him more than anybody she had ever known. Well...I guess it is hard to trust the integrity of a anyone who isn't being faithful to their partner.
There might be literary critics out there who could read this blog and wonder what the hell I'm on about and why I decided to focus on this particular theme within the novel.
The reason I have decided to focus on Maurice's insecurity and jealousy-is because I can relate to it and I'm sure many other people can too.
Let me tell you about my recent shenanigans
I was seeing a guy for two months, who was probably quite a lot of what I looked for in a partner, but just like Maurice, I spent a lot of time fretting over the integrity of his affections.
I remember seeing a girl who was clearly being flirtatious with him in a photo, and being upset about it. He responded that it was the girl's body language not his, but either way I felt that to take a picture of it meant that he didn't mind her evidently flirtatious nature. Yes clearly there was jealousy involved in how I felt and I won't deny that, however that doesn't take away from the legitimacy of my view on the picture.
Insecurity is a bitch...
I remember watching an Eliza Doolittle performance with him and wondering whether he fancied her backing singer...I'm sad right?! I know.
Anyway, said guy went away for ten days to the Middle East and I knew I wasn't likely to hear from him for those ten days. Regardless of the messages he sent beforehand to let me know that he would call upon his return, I still wasn't reassured and I spent at least seven of the ten days fretting over-whether his time away would mean that he had lost interest in me, or if something would have come from the possibility that he may have shared a room with female friends.
Trust me, sometimes talking to friends about how you're feeling doesn't always help
Some friends suggested that I should forget about him, because they reasoned "who can't reach a computer to email, I mean-he must know that you'd be worried about whether he even arrived safely."
Other friends simply said "worrying is futile. Live your life. whatever happens-happens."
I maintain that you could look at the situation from either of the angles mentioned, yet you still wouldn't be able to ignore the fact that my insecurities are the main factor. Not the photo of the forward girl, not Eliza's backing singer, nor the trip to the Middle East, or the sharing of rooms, or the lack of contact.
I remember that at a point in the book, Maurice states "insecurity is the worst sense that lovers feel...Insecurity twists meanings and poisons trust"
Insecurity is a genuine human emotion, but excessive amounts can prove detrimental to interpersonal relationships.
A detective in the story says to Maurice "there is nothing discreditable about jealousy, I salute it as a mark of true love"
would you agree with this statement??
Part of me agrees and at this point I would like to refer to the bible where God is described as a "jealous God." If God is capable of feeling jealousy, due to how much he cares for his children, then surely lovers can feel jealousy too.
Almost instantly, I am inclined to refer to the new testament I Corinthians:13 where it states "love is not jealous." I'm sure by now you can understand my confusion.
I've come to a conclusion...
Too many of us spend a lifetime in tumultuous affairs with our insecurities, so much so that regardless of the partner we're with, that partner would only ever be a third party in the somewhat destructive relationship we have with our irrational fears.
I know numerous people who instinctively choose partners who they know "aren't good enough for them" partners who they feel would need or worship them in some capacity.
I don't think this is healthy.
I'd say its best to be with someone who you feel you are on the same level with, someone who wants you for no other reason that the fact that they enjoy your company and genuinely value you.
Being in a relationship with someone because you think you can fix them, is silly, because you can't "fix" anybody. Only the individual has the power to fix themselves.
Running from insecurities is a futile action...
no matter where you run, you can never outrun yourself. I think its Pablo Neruda who wrote that "one day you will find yourself, and only that will be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life."
Address your insecurities and find out where they are rooted within you, and help that part of you to heal. you can only heal a wound with something pure. Truth is pure.
I am a firm believer in the idea that we were all wonderfully and fearfully made in the image of all that is divine. There will always be someone you consider more attractive than yourself, but essentially there is only one you and the essence of you is your true beauty, not all that is seen on the surface.
When you meet someone who is enamoured by the essence of you, it is unfair to worry about all the other people they could have decided to be with instead of you, or to doubt their affections. they didn't want all of those people, they wanted you. You are worthy of affection, so embrace it.
Don't get me wrong, people make mistakes and at times people will hurt you-but to live in constant fear or avoidance of this won't bring you much happiness.
I've written all of this as my way of slowly ending my lifelong affair with my insecurities. I hope the duality of intent in my choice of title for this blog is now clear. I saw myself in Maurice and it spurred me into action.
I suggest we all start to end our affairs with insecurities (which form the roots of jealousy) and focus on something capable of positive reciprocity. Love. Love of ourselves, love of life, love of those around us and especially love of all that is divine.
When you love yourself truly, you radiate love and only those capable of love can be drawn to you. Your past fears of being hurt or of not being good enough-will wither under the light of your new found infinite capacity to love purely.
Love (with less insecurities...) Cocoa xx
