My first ever blog...
as the title would depict; I do feel like a fumbling, confused virgin-trying to find her way around all this stuff.
I definitely have stuff I want to write about so its not like I'm stuck for words or anything, I just feel a bit funny about having jumped on this 'bandwagon' of blogging.
I'm not blogging because I have an inside scoop on celebrity news or because I'm a hip hop whizkid...I think I'm blogging because I have a big gob, and would jump at any opportunity to air my views.
Twitter was my cathartic tool of choice, until I became disgruntled with my 140 character limit.
So what do I want to talk about...
well...
its actually about friendship and pride...
I have-no-had a friend whom I would have described as a 'best friend' until we fell out.
As with most conflicts, we were both accountable for blame in our own ways, but due to explosive anger (on my part) and deep hurt (on both our parts) we failed to sort the situation out while it could still be resolved.
Our friendship was one in which both parties could divulge information and secrets without the fear of judgement from the other. Obviously as with most unions in life, there is usually a leader or a more dominant individual and I guess that individual is me.
I protected this said friend, as if she were my sister and everyone who knew us, was aware of how deeply I cared about her.
Anyway, an incident took place which led me to accuse her via text message of not playing her role as a friend and I informed her that I would delete all our means of communication, which I did.
I remember that I texted her some pretty harsh things in the body of the text mentioned above and I also remember that in my fit of rage, I deleted her response without reading it.
She had always told me that it would hurt her greatly if we were ever to fall out and due to the hurt I felt at her alleged failure in her duties of friendship- I attempted to reciprocate the same hurt by severing our friendship.
Anger passes....
When anger passed, guess what? Yes, I began to miss her companionship and the comfort of being able to start a story knowing that she knew the history of all the individuals that would be mentioned. I let another three months pass, forcing myself to ignore the evident signs that I missed her.
Last week, it dawned on me that my birthday was drawing ever closer, and I decided it would be a good idea to reconcile by emailing her to ask her to be part of whatever I decided on for my birthday.
At the back of my mind, I expected that everything would go back to normal...that is until her reply came.
She basically said she no longer held a grudge about the argument, but she would prefer to "keep to herself" from now as she had adopted "a new mindset."
The reply hit me hard because, I can't remember a time before this incident that I'd been the one to make the first move in terms of a reconciliation, so the fact that I was able to put my pride/ego to the side in order to do so-should prove how much I wanted to amend the situation. For this reason, I can honestly say that my pride/ego has definitely been bruised.
I never thought her reply would be something along the lines of her being fine by herself, because since our friendship began, she had always needed me, for advice, for a shoulder to cry on as the older sister figure who would literally fight her battles.
Not being needed, is a hard pill to swallow, however I noticed that at some point everybody needs to fight their own battles and listen to their own inner voice as opposed to constantly asking for advice.
I don't regret making the first move, because it needed to be done and I guess now, its time to let go and accept what anger has the power of undoing.
In the same way that I feel like a virgin with this whole blogging thing; I also feel like a virgin, because I put my ego at the mercy of rejection and an outcome which I failed to consider became the very outcome that presented itself.
they say "you always remember your first time", and I guess I will always remember my first blog and the first time a little piece of my heart broke because of a girl.
